My husband and I recently watched the Netflix documentary ‘The Death of a Pastor’s Wife’, and I’m sure, like many people, we were horrified by the events that unfolded in the story that was told.
A woman, a mother and a Christian
Watching the documentary as a woman and also a mother of two daughters, it was so upsetting to see how a vibrant young woman, so full of life and so gifted by God, was destroyed by the abusive and coercive relationship that she became entangled in.
In addition to this, watching the documentary as a Christian was also really hard. As a believer who spends time reading the Bible and holds it as ‘the standard’ of truth in every area of life, it was very difficult to see how the word of God had been manipulated for one man to be able to effectively do as he pleased, not only in the relationship in question, but seemingly in every area of his life.
Whenever I watch documentaries, I try to be balanced and to watch them from the perspective of knowing that they can be agenda-driven or be weighted towards one side of the story. However, what stood out to me in this particular story was how young Mica Miller was when it all began and the way that she was groomed by her abuser over several years, a man who was placed in a position of authority over her.
Abuse in the Church
Quite often, when stories or news reports tell of an abuse of power or position within the Church, it sometimes confirms an opinion that someone already has about the Church – being manipulative and preying on the vulnerable. But as a practising Christian, I believe that stories like Mica’s should be used as an opportunity for reflection and for greater accountability to be put in place by leaders.
The Church should be an example of how to treat others, knowing how precious people are in God’s eyes, and how every person is ‘chosen and beloved’ by Him.
My main takeaways
There were some key takeaways from the docuseries that I wanted to highlight in relation to what the Bible says, and how the alleged actions and behaviours displayed by JP Miller were his alone, and not something that Jesus would approve of… nor should the Church condone.
Husbands, love your wives
During the documentary, there were clips of JP Miller standing on the pulpit, talking about submission in the context of marriage. I was horrified at some of the things that were said, in particular relating to sex and how a wife should be satisfying her husband.
Ephesians 5 talks about the example that God has already shown us and the sacrificial love of Christ – how He showed His love for the whole world by dying for us.
In this passage of scripture, it talks about how a Christian household should operate, beginning with “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21). Quite often, I feel that the word of God is manipulated to suggest that women are second-class citizens and that men are more valuable than women.
This is such a foreign concept when you truly understand and reflect on God’s love for us all. He has made us all of equal value, but has assigned different roles. Men are not worth more to God than women; we were created to complement one another.
The same passage goes on to say ” Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” (verse 22). But 2 verses later it says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (verse 25).
Both wives and husbands are to love one another sacrificially. Suggesting otherwise is not truthful to the word of God, and taking verse 22 out of its context to suggest women be submissive to their husband’s abuse is manipulation.
Jesus was an advocate for women
The sexual abuse and coercion that Mica Miller endured, under the banner of a wife needing to submit to her husband, was heart-breaking to witness. JP Miller was not just her husband, at one point, he was also her pastor. What he is alleged to have done is a complete abuse of his power and position.
Whilst Jesus walked the earth, he was the greatest advocate for women, and defended them against those who looked to accuse or berate them.
In the book of John, when Jesus was visiting Lazarus, Martha and Mary, John 12:3-5 says, “Mary therefore took a pound of expensive ointment made from pure nard, and anointed the feet of Jesus and wiped his feet with her hair. The house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. But Judas Iscariot, one of his disciples (he who was about to betray him), said, “Why was this ointment not sold for three hundred denarii and given to the poor?”
Not only did He defend her actions, but He also celebrated the love she showed Him.
Another example can be found earlier in the book of John, chapter 8.
“As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd. “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?” “… but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” (John 8:3 and 6-7)
In this example, the punishment for someone caught in adultery in those times was death by stoning; not only did Jesus save the woman from being put to death, but He also defended her by pointing out that her accusers had also fallen short.
Greater accountability could prevent abuse
One of the most disturbing takeaways from The Death of a Pastor’s Wife was the lack of accountability when it came to the abusive behaviour being acknowledged by other senior leaders within the Church.
I think sometimes, as Christians and as the Church, we can deny that bad things are happening because of this expectation that we are representing Christ. I think there’s a weird notion that we should only be seen as perfect, and that anything less than perfection will not be accepted – even if it is counterfeit.
The truth is no one is perfect, both inside and outside of the church.
What Christians should really represent is the transforming power of Christ, in that when we surrender to Him and acknowledge that we need a Saviour, He changes us from the inside out and helps us to overcome the temptations we once had, as well as the temptations that can come throughout our lives.
To pretend that we are somehow perfect is actually to give ourselves a God-like status.
What I witnessed in the programme was the complete denial of the abuse and coercion that was happening in plain sight, on display for both the congregation and the elders within the church. I believe that being a man or woman of God doesn’t require less accountability; it actually requires more, as we should want to be and to become more and more Christ-like.
The Bible says, “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). It also says that “No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” (1 Corinthians 10:13).
These passages show that we have all sinned, whether we acknowledge it or not, and also that we will all be tempted at some point.
This is why I believe accountability within the Church is so important. If we are saying that we are followers of Christ, and our greatest command is to love God and to love people (Mark 12:30-31), knowing that Christ loved people so much that He died for us all, then how we treat others should be of the utmost importance to us.
The so-called ‘love’ demonstrated in this documentary was far from sacrificial; it was not patient or kind, and it was completely self-seeking (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). Therefore, the elders of the church at that time should have taken the matter seriously when it was brought to their attention by one of the other leaders, and the allegations should have been investigated properly.
Reflections of a Christian who stands against abuse
Sometimes it can be difficult to know as a Christian whether or not we should watch or listen to certain things pertaining to the Church and the criticism of Christians and Church leaders.
For me, watching the documentary made me very reflective. It made me reflect on why, within the Christian community, we can be so scared to acknowledge or talk about abuse – especially within leadership.
I think it is important to be aware that leaders, even within the Church, can abuse their position. Sometimes within a Church context, leaders are put on a pedestal, which can in-turn lead to them treating people in a way contrary to what the Bible teaches. Abuse from a pastor or spiritual leader is still abuse.
I can imagine that when you are in a position of power and authority, sometimes lines can get blurred, as these positions tend to encourage ‘yes’ people to surround them. I believe this is why accountability is the key, especially within the Church.
As representatives of Christ, we are supposed to “Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10). This is why abuse should not be allowed to exist within the body of Christ, and we should be putting measures in place to make sure that it gets dealt with seriously and quickly.
As a Church, we are called to pray for all people as well as for all who are in high positions. I think that this is the appropriate response after hearing the unfolding details of an unbelievably tragic story.
“First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way.” 1 Timothy 2:1
Let us all keep one another accountable, loving one another as Christ showed us His love, and most importantly, keeping one another in prayer.
Blessings,
Sharon
Image Credit – Mica Miller Courtesy of Netflix
